My Soul Waits in Silence

The Milk

Psalms 62:5-8 ‘My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him. He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. With God rests my salvation and my glory; He is my Rock of unyielding strength and impenetrable hardness, and my refuge is in God! Trust in, lean on, rely on, and have confidence in Him always, you people; pour your hearts before Him. God is a refuge for us (a fortress and a high tower) Selah’

The Meat

In a recent conversation with my sister, she asked the question, why do we fear silence? Her research involved asking several people’s opinion including her young grandson. After research and pondering, the conclusion is this…we become uneasy in dark silence. There is just something unsettling about the silence. We don’t know what is out there. Silence is supposed to give us rest but yet it makes us anxious. Psalms 62 tells us to silently submit to Him and all hope and expectation are from Him. My sister and I talked about Elijah looking for God. Elijah failed God just like we do. Elijah feared and became discouraged just like we do. Elijah got scared just like we do. And he ran, just like we do. Scared of the unknown.

Show of hands, who reading this enjoys waiting? If you can wait, do you have the ability to wait in silence? Anyone? I’m glad that I’m not alone. Waiting…remaining inactive for a bit until something happens. An expectation of something. At rest, until you get the go-ahead to do something. At rest. Wait. I’m not a patient person at all. I’ve gotten better over the years but waiting, patience has never been a strength of mine. The reality is that waiting on God is completely different than any other waiting that we can ever do. It is so hard for us to wait on God because we have more confidence in ourselves than we do in God. Our actions during the time when we are commanded to rest can cause us more issues. The scripture states that we are to only wait patiently for God and submit to Him. Resting and waiting for God causes us to have a comfort that we cannot find anywhere else. But we don’t follow the advice of Psalm 62. Our stubbornness, our impatience and our lack of trust causes us to plunge forward without waiting. Our refuge is in God. Our hope is in God. If we have confidence that He will supply all our needs and we pour out our hearts to Him in all situations, what do we have to fear?

The Honey

God gave Elijah sleep. He was exhausted and he needed to rest. God gave Elijah an angel even though he was out of fellowship with God. It occurred when he was in the wilderness when Elijah was out of fellowship. It was when he was depressed and alone only with the best that his own strategies could supply–a scrubby desert bush. The angel of the Lord gave Elijah love, grace, and power. God provided nourishment to Elijah which he took for granted. Elijah was led to Horeb. He was given physical strength to make the journey. God restored his health but he still didn’t recognize what God was doing in his life. Silence in the cave is what God needed to get Elijah’s attention. The wind and rain swell around us creating white noise and yes, God speaks to us during those times but…God needs to get us in a cave to say hey, I got this. Why stress? Why worry? I told you that I would never leave you. Sometimes we need to hear from Jehovah Jireh, but we must sit in silence to really hear Him speak. I believe that some people thrive amid distractions and because that is where they are comfortable, therefore, they will create noise to keep from hearing the truth from God. My opinion on fearing silence? We are scared because we don’t know what is out there. It could be good, or it could be bad but either way it will change our lives. God will change your life. He sets you on a trajectory that this world cannot offer. The path is different, the grief is different, the love is different, the pain is different, and the hope is different. God is in the light, dark, chaos and the silence but He is always the same.


When Life Hands You Lemons

September 1970
A young girl was born in Chicago, IL to a woman that did not have the financial resources to care for her. The woman chose to give her daughter a better life and decided to give her up for adoption so that she could be taken care of properly. As she grew older, she realized that money doesn’t buy everything. It doesn’t buy love, security, hope, honesty and normal mothers. She remembers thinking about her mother in hopes of trying to figure her out. She remembers thinking about why a mother would hide from her when she got off the bus and then saying, “what would you do if I was really gone?” “If I wasn’t so chicken I would kill myself,” the mother would say sometimes. You must clean the entire house on Saturday she would say, and then there was the dreaded white glove test. Learn how to give me shots so that I don’t have to go to the allergy doctor. The mother would attend doctor’s visits and say, he said that he never saw anything like me! There is no point in joining that club, you can’t stay after school, you must be home to take care of me. The list goes on. One constant lie, hurtful word, and manipulation after another for 47 years.
October 2012
The daughter dealt with all she could handle. One part of her heart still felt compassion for her mother. Compassionate people are the ones that narcissistic people prey upon. She always expected the daughter to treat her like a queen. I’m the most important person in this room, the narcissist will say. The daughter had a broken marriage had to move back home with her mother. It was a bad move in more ways than one. The daughter once again felt like a child. If her shower took too long, the mother would yell. If she stayed out too late, the mother would yell. If she left a crumb on the counter, the mother would yell. If she spent too much time with her art, the mother would yell. It was like being let out of prison for a while only to find yourself back there serving another sentence. The daughter’s life was a prison with no chance for parole. Never. It was a for better or for worse, ‘til death do us part type of relationship. It was always the worse and death will be the only way to break free. The warden did everything she could to keep the convict in her place. Verbal and mental abuse was her choice of punishment. The convict often referred to the warden as a porcupine. The warden would allow the convict to get close enough so that it really hurt when the quills came out. Over the years the warden took advantage of the convict by pulling her into drama, not allowing her to live, treating her like she was clueless and degrading her every chance she got. She hurt…. on purpose. I’m counting on you, text me in the morning and make sure I answer. I could be dead. I get so scared at night, you need to be here. I don’t know what would happen to the convict if she ever gets the opportunity to live. What will she do? Where will she go? Set free from the prison life. Will she grieve, or will she be relieved?
November 2017
Although the abuse continued, the convict kept in touch with the warden. Compassion fueled the fire. The convict prayed for the warden in hope. The convict never gave up on the warden. Eventually, this drained everything within her. She cringed with the phone rang and let it go to voicemail. She would read messages and not respond to the drama. She would pretend she wasn’t home when she came by. There was never a place to truly rest. She avoided her at all cost but eventually they would have to talk. In researching about narcissism, the convict learned terms and their meanings.
Gaslighting found its way into the research. A persistent manipulation. The convict realized that over her lifetime, she had jumped from one career to another. She even pursued careers because that is what the warden wanted her to do. The convict doubted every decision she ever made. She always worried that she would hear the dreaded, I told you so. She was convinced that she could never do anything right, so she quit trying. You will never be good enough, so she thought, so just give up. Let life knock you down, its ok, that’s what you deserve. If narcissistic predators can get you to believe this about yourself, they have won. They will sit there and look down their nose at you in satisfaction.
Any conversation that you could possibly have was always one-sided. There was always an interruption and the conversation always turned back to the warden. I know you are facing foreclosure but let’s talk about what I have and how I always managed money successfully. Here let me rescue you and give you money. The more she gave, the more power she had in the convict’s life. She loved being the center of attention. She loved having people worship the ground she walked on. She loved being in control.
Hoovering happens when you least expect it. Hoover vacuum cleaners are made to suck up things and that just what narcissists do, they suck you back into drama. If the convict wanders too far, the warden will suck you back in using guilt or other similar tactics. The goal is to get the convict back under their power and control. Sometimes they admit that they are wrong or that they will change their ways, but this convict has never gotten an apology, only blame.
Sometimes a narcissist will become like you. They want to dress like you, do their hair or makeup like you, or mimic your behavior. It doesn’t make sense that the narcissist wants to consume your life, ridicule you and then want to become like you but it happens. Jealously plays a key role in mirroring. What are they jealous of though? This convict was raised by a narcissist, but I’ve worked so hard to not become her. I recognized the narcissistic characteristics and have chosen to be something different. I do not want that negativity in my life. I do not want the drama and I do not want the pain.
Sometimes the narcissist will take anything adoration that they can get. They need, not want, to feel in control. If something goes wrong, they only resolution is to blame their problem on their victim. There is no way that the narcissist is at fault nor will they take responsibility. They must have a scapegoat. I’ve taken the blame and apologized for her behavior for years. As a result, people assume that I’m the same way which is very frustrating by the way. Again, I’ve worked hard to not become her but, yet I justify her behavior. Am I the enabler?
This process has led me to believe that I cultivate this personality glitch in her. But then I remind myself that she was already broken before I came around. Speaking to her sisters has reaffirmed the fact that she has been shattered for years. So, did she create drama when something happened that she didn’t like and then she got her way? Where is that fine line? What causes the behavior?
My youngest granddaughter is almost 2. At the age of 2, she tends to be the center of things. For more than one reason (but that’s another story). At some point in time, proper rearing of this child will include transitioning her to believe that you don’t always win every time and the world does not revolve around her. You see, early childhood ‘narc’ behavior is normal. The parents fail when they don’t cut the child off at appropriate times. Do I think that my grandparents are to blame? No, not necessarily. Do I think that my aunts and uncles are to blame? No. What about my father? No. I really wish I could narrow down the why. I love solving problems, but this is one that I have waved the white flag on.
According to Psychology Today, there are the following reasons for this behavior. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/warning-signs-parents/201701/childhood-roots-narcissistic-personality-disorder
• persistent bullying behaviors such as making fun of, threatening, degrading, or scapegoating people (including parents and other adults)
• persistent need to win no matter who is hurt
• persistent lying to benefit oneself (will lie about lying, turn lies into someone else’s fault, deflect accountability by attacking messengers who point out lies)
• egotistical view of extraordinary self-worth
• preoccupation with getting own needs met over other people’s
• entitled attitudes which lead to acting as if they deserve special treatment and to get whatever they want, no matter the circumstances
• aggressive responses to being criticized, wronged, or upset
• repetitively blaming others for bad outcomes
• and being much more competitive than cooperative
I would never say that this is anyone’s fault, per se, but where did it come from? Why wasn’t it stopped? Does the person or persons that caused this behavior know what they were doing, or did they simply not care? Did this go back more than one generation? Something in their lives that bruised their ego and chipped away at their self-image. Intentional? I’m not sure. Reality? Yes. An unbroken cycle? Yes. Create the same problem for generations? Yes. Healing begins when someone recognizes the problem and makes a conscious effort to change the pattern.
Narcissists are incapable of true empathy and true love. They cannot exist outside of themselves. They align themselves with a weaker person to elevate themselves. At the end of the day, their goal is to look good and feel superior to others.
I have heard and read that the best way to deal with a narcissist is to cut the tie with them. To be honest, this bothers me a bit. It may be good for some to do so but I live my life with compassion. I believe that a person can set a boundary and stick to their guns. Does this make me weak? I don’t think so. I believe it makes me strong. I do not deal with the drama. I do not let things bother me as they have in the past. I know who I am and what I stand for. To answer my previous question, will the convict grieve or be relieved when she passes? I think both. I choose to see good in the warden despite everything, there is good. It is a glimmer of good, but it’s still there. But yes, this convict will be relieved because the abuse will finally be over.


You Are Worth More

If you had ever met Megan, you would have immediately loved her.  She had very high highs and very low lows but anytime she met someone, she made an impression on you.  She was kind and compassionate soul that would give you the last of what she had and do without herself.  She had a tough life, partly because of her choices, but she tried.

I cannot tell you how many times I prayed for this child.  At 18, I was pregnant, unmarried and scared.  I had no idea what God was up to.  She was a child that I didn’t know I wanted until I got her.  I remember sitting at the hospital holding a newborn baby thinking, now what do I do?  I had never been around children.  I have never even changed a diaper. She moved quickly through the growing up.  She never could sit still.  She crawled for one day.  One day.  She was walking the next.  I joked with her as she grew up, you are my experiment.  We would laugh together when I told her that I didn’t have a clue what I was doing.  She reassured me that I was doing fine and then she would tell me what to change.  It was usually something that was in her favor.  Sneaky kid. We laughed more than we cried.  We grew up together.  And at the end of the day, we muddled along and both turned out okay.  I wanted to teach her things about life that I had learned from the school of hard knocks.  I never wanted her to deal with the things that I did.  I never wanted her to hurt, be in pain or miss any good opportunities.  I was her mom, her cheerleader, her friend, her encourager, and sometimes her conscience aka Jiminy Cricket.  She was full of questions. Most of them I didn’t have an answer for but I tried.  That is all I can say, this momma tried.  Mommying is hard.  Very hard.  I had to do it alone for most of her life.  I do feel that the greatest thing that I ever done for her is to pray for her.  I didn’t have anything else.  It was my greatest source of defense.  I don’t think she ever knew how much I prayed for her.  And I do not regret one second of it.  I literally wore out my knees on that child.  She was a challenge.  I tried to teach her but honestly, she taught me more than I ever taught her.  She taught me unconditional love, honesty, patience, heartache, consistency and compassion.  Did I mention patience?  This kid was so stubborn.  She wanted to find her own way.  She was determined to do what she wanted.  I prayed wisdom, peace and joy over her.  Constantly.  It was needed.  Time and time again, she would call me.  She didn’t have to tell me anything, I could tell in the tone of her voice that she needed to hear 4 words from me.  You are worth more.  I have no idea why but I began telling her that when she was young.  Megan, you are worth more.  Low self-esteem plagued her life.  No matter how hard she tried to move past it, it remained a hardship.  She just wanted to fit, belong and be content.  She befriended everyone and never knew a stranger.  I would come home from work to find strange people in my house.  It was kind of nerve wracking but that was Megan.  She would do anything for her friends.  Feed them, gave them clothes and shoes, talked to them, cried with them and loved them where they were.  She was the example of a person who felt true and honest compassion for people and it didn’t matter their background, color or religion.


Hidden in His Shelter

Psalm 27:4-5 – Hidden in His shelter

We desire things. Material possessions, money, houses, cars and the latest technology. This passage clearly tells us what we should desire, to seek, dwell, behold and inquire.
1. Seeking God – going to church is where we learn, grow and fellowship. Attending worship is a vital part of our growth as a child of God. I believe that this scripture is instructing us to go deeper than weekly attendance. We are to read, study, memorize scripture, share Christ with others and be actively involved in our local church. We are to drink from the Living Well, fill our cups, cast every care and think about Him every moment of every day.
2. Dwelling upon God – dwellings are places of rest. We rest, let down our guards and relax. Exactly what we are to do with God. No matter what happens, we are to rest in God’s promises, even when our lives do not make sense.
3. Behold – behold the Lamb in all His wonderful glory. The Lamb whom was sacrificed for you so that you can have eternal life. How can you not share this Lamb with others?
4. Inquire – Imagine with me for a moment. Streets of gold, lush hills, beautiful scenery, loved ones who have passed, reunions, bountiful feasts, no worries, no cares, no stress and no tears. Overwhelming, isn’t it? In this scenario, one detail is overlooked. One important detail is missing. Where is Jesus? I can tell you. He is looking for you. He is waiting at the gate, rolling out the red carpet, summoning the welcome committee and welcoming you with open arms. He inquires about us, He knows the exact moment of our arrival and He smiles when He sees His children. He welcomes us home. So, a God who does all those things for us, prepares our home and shows us around, He will never forsake us when we earnestly search for Him.
Seek Him, Dwell in Him, behold in Him and inquire about Him in all areas of your life. Our first thought when we wake and our last thought before sleep and every thought in between are moments that we need to be dwelling on Him instead of anything else. I agree, it’s hard, but it’s doable.
Psalm 27:4-5
4 One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.

New Every Morning

New Every Morning

Lamentations 3:22-24

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!”  To lament simply means to cry out.  This book goes through many emotions in its short five chapters.  Remorse about God’s judgement on Judah’s sin, hope in God’s compassion, disgrace and God’s faithfulness.  Despite everything and how much we mess up, His compassion never fails.  Mercy…we don’t deserve it yet He pours out His love, grace, goodness, forgiveness, truth, compassion and faithfulness.  He never fails and grace never fails.  Sometimes we don’t understand His ways, but He never leaves us.  Every morning is a do-over with God.  His forgiveness cannot be compared to anything.  Faithfulness is the basis of our belief system.  We believe that the cornerstone of life is Christ and no matter where we go, what we do, we can always fall to the cornerstone for strength, trust and hope.  He will never fail us or forsake us.

There was a multitude of sins during this time in Jerusalem and these sins caused horrific judgement from God.  Judah was taken captive to serve as slaves in Babylon.  There was pagan worship, they had become vile and suffered great sorrow as a nation.  They were remorseful.  The comforter who should restore lives was far from them.  God covered the daughter of Zion with a cloud of anger. He allowed them to suffer by withdrawing His hand of protection. He poured out His fury.

Lamentations 3:21 ‘This I recall to my mind; therefore, I have hope.’ Despite everything, there is hope.  His compassions never fail, they never cease and they are as reliable as the rising and the setting of the sun.  The word mercy is referenced over 250 times in the Bible.  God’s gracious love, His love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, truth and faithfulness.  Compassion is love with shoes on.  God is our portion and He is good to those who wait patiently on Him.  In our time of waiting, v.40-41, we must search and examine our ways, turn back to Him and lift our hearts and hands to Him.  He redeems us and calls us His and it doesn’t matter how far we stray.  He remains forever and will never forget you.  It may take you years to stray but one second to return to Him.  Yes, He is that kind of God.


Come to Me

Are you spiritually bankrupt? Have you gotten to the end of your rope only to find that the know is untied? Are you fighting an uphill battle with no end in sight? Here’s hope…. Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Our lives are like a car wreck. Sometimes we spin out of control. Our worlds are flipped upside down. We lose control of the wheel because we didn’t see another car coming. Sometimes the music is too loud that we cannot focus on the road. Stopping the spinning is what God does best. He can make sure the seat belt is tightened and readjust our focus. Sometimes we must have the wreck so that He can get our attention. We must rest in the promise that no matter what happens, God is still in control. He doesn’t want to be the co-pilot but rather the pilot. He doesn’t want us drifting around on the water but rather He wants us to anchor to Him. Once we stop and sit at His feet for a while, we can see the other car coming and we can focus on the path that we are on so that the distractions of life do not get in the way of our worship. Because of this, we can have hope in Him. We place our hope in many things. Our family (they will always disappoint us), our friends (some have their own agenda), our jobs (everyone is replaceable). What if we placed our hope in Someone who truly deserves it? Fire, earthquakes, famine, war…. after these take place, what is left? Put your faith and hope in God Almighty. Put your faith and hope in the One who truly deserves of our time and energy. He created us to worship Him. He created us to have hope in Him.